I found this in the R&D Forum, thought some of you might need a good laugh after being with the realitives over the holidays
Stun Gun....
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely
wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversaty, and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY
TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteris in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!! Unfortunately, I
have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all t hat bad with only
two AAA batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was goingto give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
the other. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less that 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "n o
possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it,
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..I
decided to give myself a one-secon d burst jus t for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%@*!!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. the cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "Do it again, do it again!!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thi gh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
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