Todays funny...

[Ken55]

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Wisconsin opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.


'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.



The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.




Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[C. D. Day]

They are all for gun control - - - sooo

[Champane Flight]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible..

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby..and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

[C. D. Day]

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Measure, do your stuff.' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff..' Coffee Break jumped to his feet....... ate the cookies..... .. drank the milk.......crapped on the paper....... screwed the other three cats....... claimed he injured his back while doing so....... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... put in for Workers' Compensation. .......... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY HEALTHCARE SHOULD NOT BE RUN BY
THE GOVERNMENT!!

[Champane Flight]

THE SHOEBOX.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness..
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

[BSeyler]

Speaking German in Texas

Near Fredericksburg , Texas , where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have s*** in it.')

The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning
for Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'

The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more water.

[Ken55]

HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

[Mike Ellis]

"Those girls will never notice me checking them out from under this awesome camouflage..."

[FOXY005]

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning
for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his
back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days,
you're gonna fart your guts out!"


One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and
gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs
and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling
to herself.


Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his
morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that
Bob has been in the bathroom for 2 hours.


She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when
Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You
were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God
and these two fingers I got them back up in there again."

[Champane Flight]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
>
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> Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
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> Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
>
> But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
>
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> 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
>
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> So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
>
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> A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
>
>
> 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
>
>
> The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
>
>
> Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
>
>
> 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
>
>
> 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
>
> The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a boat load of firewood'.

[FOXY005]

An Indian walked into a trading post and asked for toilet paper.

The clerk asked if he would like, No Name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper, said the Indian.

How much is it? $1.00 a roll, the clerk replied.

That seems pretty expensive, responded the Indian.

What about the others?

Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and No Name is 50 cents a roll.

The Indian didn't have much money so he opted for the No Name.

Whithin a few hours he was back at the trading post.

I have a name for the No Name toilet paper, he announced to the clerk.

We shall call it John Wayne.

Why? asked the confused clerk.

Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off Indians.

[Gary - K7GLD]

Hope this hasn't aldeady been posted:



A Mexican, an Arab,
and a Texas girl are
in the same bar.
When the Mexican
finishes his beer,
he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico ,
our glasses are so
cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously
impressed by this,
drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a muslim!),
throws it into the
air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the
Arab World , we have
so much sand to make
glasses that we don't
need to drink with
the same one twice either.'
The Texas girl,
cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,
she says,
'In Texas,
we have so many
illegal aliens that
we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless TEXAS

[Champane Flight]

Italian Golfer

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well', the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'










__

[C. D. Day]

How Pumpkin Pies are Made

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[fest3er]

A prominent member of Congress is out for a drive in the countryside; her chauffeur is keeping the ride smooth.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop...

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to thechauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy .

'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'