Todays funny...

[kenny61]

Originally Posted by DWordinger

After consuming a bowl of CF's chili, the bombardier prepares to drop chemical munitions on the unsuspecting enemy below.

On the floor and snot flying out my nose not neccesarily in that order

[Champane Flight]

Subject: CDC Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, your colleagues, or anyone else via any
means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.

[FOXY005]

DIARY of a SNOW SHOVELER



DECEMBER 6: 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love the snow.


DECEMBER 7:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight ! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World ? Moving here was the best idea I ever had.

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a young boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life !


DECEMBER 12:

The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a White Christmas.

No snow on Christmas would be awful ! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.


DECEMBER 14:

Snow lovely snow ! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to – 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and the sidewalks.

This is the life ! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.


DECEMBER 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t living in Alaska, after all.


DECEMBER 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway, putting down salt. Hurts like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



DECEMBER 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but I won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.


DECEMBER 20:

Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.

More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel for me, but they all said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re all sold out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.


DECEMBER 22:

Bob was right about a White Christmas because 23 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee’d and got dressed again, I was to tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.


DECEMBER 23:

Only 2 inches of snow today, and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts ! ! ! ! ! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago ? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.


DECEMBER 24:

Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the blighter who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his nose. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes roaring down the street at 100 mile an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just shoveled !

This evening the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that damn snowplow.


DECEMBER 25:

Merry Christmas.

20 more inches of the white stuff last night. Snowed in.

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow ! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation for the needy and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life “ one more time, I’m going to kill her !







DECEMBER 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here ? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves !


DECEMBER 27:

Temperature dropped to – 30 and the pipes froze.


DECEMBER 28:

Warmed up to about – 20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy ! ! ! !


DECEMBER 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof off or it could cave in.

That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am ?


DECEMBER 30:

Roof caved in.

The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars.

The wife went home to her mother.

9 more inches of snow predicted for tomorrow.


DECEMBER 31:

Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling ! ! !


JANUARY 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I strapped to this bed ?

[Yooper67]

Pig Ink | Reuters.com

Now I've seen it all!

[loncray]

I've only heard one good joke recently:

Y'all know why Santa Claus is so jolly, don't you? He knows where all the naughty girls live...

[Champane Flight]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850,
>157 years ago?
>
>1. California became a state.
>2. The state had no electricity.
>3. The state had no money.
>4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
>5. There were gunfights in the streets.
>
>So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real
>boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

[kenny61]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously
> deranged young man who
> shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was
> absolutely obsessed
> with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his
> twisted mind,
> loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well
> known to her, he
> attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is
> speculation Hinckley may
> soon be released as having been rehabilitated.
> Consequently, you may
> appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the
> staff at the
> mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have
> intercepted this past
> weekend:
> To: John Hinckley
> From: John McCain
> My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you
> how pleased we are
> with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In
> our fine
> country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we
> want you to know there
> is a non partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
> throughout.
> My wife, Cindy, and I want you to know that no grudge is
> borne against you
> for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of
> how the mental
> stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of
> desperation. We are
> confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and
> return to your
> family to join the world again as a healthy and productive
> young man.
>
> Best Wishes,
> John and Cindy McCain
>
> PS: Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a
> screen door. Just
> thought you should know.
>
>

[kenny61]

No Hard Feelings...



A Poem...To the winners.

No Hard Feelings...
The election is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost,
your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant,
You can kiss your ***.


Isn't poetry wonderful.
It lets you express your inner self.

[Champane Flight]

A cat named Lucky.......

[KKaminski]

These are hilarious! I needed a pick me up this morning, seeing as how I'm working a shift for a co-worker.

[Champane Flight]

Mike, does this remind you of anything?


Heck Jesus was supposed to be able to walk on water, look at this guy!

[kenny61]

PAPER-TIGER 'BANDIT' KEEPS 30 COPS AT BAY FOR AN HOUR - New York Post


A group of cops in New Jersey looked like turkeys Thanksgiving night after an hourlong standoff at a bank with an armed "bandit" that turned out to be a life-size cardboard cutout of a man.

Some 30 officers surrounded a PNC Bank branch in Montgomery Township after alarms at the branch went off at 8:40 p.m.

Officers looked through a window and reported seeing a person crouching inside.

The cops proceeded to evacuate a nearby housing complex, stop traffic on an adjourning highway and try to negotiate with the cardboard crook through a bullhorn.

At about 10 p.m. a SWAT team stormed inside - only to emerge red-faced after they realized the "crook" they were trying to nab was made of cardboard.

"I think obviously there was some relief [that it was only a cutout] and then some humor was involved," said Sgt. Robert Mitchell.

"We didn't know we were going up against a cardboard cutout until we made entry."

Mitchell said the cutout was first spotted when an officer responding to the alarm looked through a window and saw it on the screen of the bank's surveillance monitor.

The cutout - for an advertising promotion - was gone yesterday afternoon. The bank refused to comment on the incident.




My friends neighbor once called the cops for a bear in another neighbors back yard after a short standoff one of the Troopers decided to move in he snuck up slowly at one point he stopped being stealthy walked up the bear and kicked it in the rear...It was a cardboard cutout too or a large stuffed bear I can't remember which one

[DWordinger]

John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John , in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John 's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued............"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'

[DWordinger]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

[DWordinger]

found this "warning" circulating on the internet, but I'm not so sure. It looks reasonable to me.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS..THIS IS A SCAM!!