Todays funny...

[Champane Flight]

Number 10
>>> Life is sexually transmitted.
>>>
>>> Number 9
>>> Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
>>> die.
>>>
>>> Number 8
>>> Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
>>> an erection, make him a sandwich.
>>>
>>> Number 7
>>> Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person
>>> to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>>>
>>> Number 6
>>> Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything, but
>>> you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
>>>
>>> Number 5
>>> Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
>>> dying of nothing.
>>>
>>> Number 4
>>> All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
>>> attention to Criticism.
>>>
>>> Number 3
>>> Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial
>>> tax cut saves you $30.00?
>>>
>>> Number 2
>>> In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
>>> world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>>>
>>> And The Number 1 Thought :
>>>
>>> We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located
>>> among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't
>>> got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and
>>> terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Dept. of Agriculture in
>>> charge of Immigration.
>>> __________________________________________________ _____
>>> >>>

[Champane Flight]

Read carefully...this gets pretty tricky in the end!

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies: 1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.. Beat again. At this point it's
best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup, just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for
tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't
forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Jose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

[kenny61]

Appearently Hillary fell for the lesser known free beer with every mamogram trick



FYI the guy catching a feel is Obama's speechwriter

[Champane Flight]

Mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house
for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl and
says, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't
polite," the mother warns.

"Okay," the little girl says, "how much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are
personal questions that are really none of your business."


Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and
daddy get a divorce?"

"Enough questions now, honestly!" The exasperated
mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl
says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is
look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has
everything on it."


Later that night the little girl says to her
mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."


The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find
that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shocked now. "How in
heaven's name did you find that out?"


The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I
know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "why is that?"

the girl replies, "Because you got
an F in sex."

[MEby]

Originally Posted by Champane Flight

>>>
>>> Number 3
>>> Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial
>>> tax cut saves you $30.00?

Because we rarely see tax cuts, we most often see when they forego the built in automatic tax hike each year. and because we talking about Congress.

[MEby]

CF: Those pics make me feel pain just by looking at them. OUCH!

[Ken55]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

" Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
.
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him !!
.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?

"You're with the " GOVERNMENT "

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

[Ken55]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.


He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said...



'OK, Monica, you're free to go.

[Champane Flight]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[kenny61]

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Well how the hell else you gonna scroll thru an email that long?

[C. D. Day]

Hey everybody - - - I think we should ask Robin to give CF a thread of his own to post the "Daily Funny" on - - Then we wouldn't have to go through the rest of the dribble!


Denny

[Champane Flight]

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. He
turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'

[FOXY005]

Bill & Hillary at the Ball Game



Bill and Hillary are at the New York Yankee’s season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy.

Bill hesitates.……….
but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, O-Kay!
If that is what the people want.

Come here Hilly baby.

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, & screaming, I'll kill you! You dirty Rotten **/!%*$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what’s wrong.

The agent replies, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first “Pitch”.

[Champane Flight]

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grand kids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive...the joy wouldn't stop...
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social-security checks had arrived.
We sang...how we sang...in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
'fore long you'll be with us,
We wish you the best.

[DWordinger]

The Doghouse