Todays funny...

[DWordinger]

A gift better than a vacuum cleaner.

[Mike Ellis]

CF wrote:

Mike does this remind you of anything

Those pictures are like a slide show of my life

But at least I landed face-first on the blazing hot melting asphalt and left the world's most beautiful pothole

[Champane Flight]

After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening,
when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't
in
quite some time.





It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began

moving down past the small of her back.





He then caressed her shoulders and neck,slowly worked his hand down,

stopping just over her stomach.





He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working
down
her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her
calf.




Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion
of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then

suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.







As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving
voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'







To which he responded:











I found the remote.

[Jumbo Jet]

A fellow stopped by to visit with his friend that was a druggist.



His friend wanted to know how things were going, and the fellow shared with him that his wife just never was in the mood for bed time playfulness.



The druggist friend said that he could fix her mood and proceeded to mix up a concoction to add to any drink before bed time.



The fellow went home and right before bed time asked is wife if she would like a nice glass of warm milk. She said yes, and he mixed in the concoction with the milk.



Thinking only as a man that knew he was in for a blissful evening, he decided if it would work wonders for her, just exactly what would it do for him. He mixed some of the concoction in his drink also.



After consuming their warm milk, the couple climbs in bed and pulls the covers up for a peaceful evenings sleep enhanced by the warm milk. The man was waiting to see if the concoction would yield the desired results.



After a few minutes, the wife threw back the bed covers and said "My gosh, I NEED a MAN!"













The fellow said "So DO I"

[Champane Flight]

Good one JJ!!

[FOXY005]

Big Game Hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize
Any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
The bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in
Their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Magnum rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his
mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you! You got into bed and put
Your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced,

"Skunk, killed with an axe !"

[Mike Ellis]

LMAO Foxy, that was great!

[kenny61]

Googling some Dodge Ram stuff and came across this readers ride description...

Reader’s Rides & Sport Utility Vehicles
This 2005 Dodge Ram 2500, owned by WheelingWagons, has an estimated 385 horsepower. All of this truck’s torque and power comes from a stout engine. To complete this Ram 2500’s powertrain, a transmission is used. With the help of a suspension, this Dodge is a real off road machine. Check out some of the pictures and ratings for this 4WD below, as well as other info about this ride.

2005 Dodge Ram 2500 | WheelingWagons’s 2005 Ram 2500 Pictures, Ratings, Specs, & Modifications – 4Wheel Drive & Sport Utility

Wow a transmission what will they think of next

[Champane Flight]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED LOWELL HIGH SCHOOL.


"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED , "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY; THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ***, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-***** ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH"?

[Little Bill]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas
dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because Every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to
an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store,
don't go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying
things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?'

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
come in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price
scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and
gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained
of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY
happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start
to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over
for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door.

'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer
her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal
by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the
bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We
discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas

[C. D. Day]

[quote=Champane Flight;2006594]HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

CF This is getting real close to home!


Denny

[Champane Flight]

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to an American company--- Proctor and Gamble--- regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull****. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[FOXY005]

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days
- try this:



On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section
where they have thermometers.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-Tip".

Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package containing the thermometer remove the thermometer
and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer,
and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times,
"I am so glad that I do not work in the Quality Control Department
at the Q-Tip Company."

[Jumbo Jet]

The zoo had an aging female Ape that was the last know survivor of her unique species. Her male partner had been impotent for several years and they had no offspring to keep the species going.

The zoo keepers got together to formulate a plan to allow the female ape to produce at least one offspring to ensure the specie would not die out with her.

After being rejected by other zoo keepers, and facing a severe shortage of funding, they got their heads together one more time to come up with a solution that would fit their pocket book. Jim, the assistant zoo keeper, suggested that they get his Pollack friend Frank to service the female ape. He said that Frank was a large, hairy specimen and had many features similar to the female ape. The staff agreed and brought Frank in the next day to discuss their proposal.

They told Frank what they would like for him to do and there would be $200 involved in the process. Frank asked for a couple of days to consider before giving an answer.

Couple days later, Frank came in to further discuss the deal. Frank said first, I won't have to kiss her, will I? The staff said No. Secondly said Frank, if there is offspring, the ape won't be named after me will it? I would be embarrassed if anyone found out. The staff reassured Frank that would not happen. After, rubbing his chin and taking a close look at the female ape, Frank said, can you give me couple weeks to come up with the two hundred dollars?

[Champane Flight]

So this lady says that the other day she saw a man driving down the interstate at high speed with a dog hanging on to the tail gate for dear life.. She said if he hadn't been going so fast in the other direction she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later her son see's the same truck at the bass pro shop! The guy is a taxidermist!