Todays funny...

[Champane Flight]

My neighbor discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took
it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears
so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from recurring, she should go to the drugstore and buy "Nair Hair
Remover" and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the store and gets the "Nair Hair Remover".

At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to
use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs
don't
shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you
must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[TRLRTRSH]

Dang, CF that was a good one

[Champane Flight]

I asked the niehbor gal who sent me that joke how her Schnauser was this morning, it did not go over well, she told the wife on me!

[Champane Flight]

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.


Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.


A few days later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden

leg up your @55 and go as a caramel apple.


Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co

[Mike Ellis]

Outstanding CF! I needed a laugh this morning, boy it's been a long week

[Champane Flight]

Subject: The String

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the
spoon?"

"Well,"he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of
analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we
can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out
of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you
tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we
can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you

know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need
to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

[Champane Flight]

Originally Posted by Mike Ellis

Outstanding CF! I needed a laugh this morning, boy it's been a long week

I thought this would lighten things up here, everybodys taking things way to serious around here. We need something to laugh about, besides Heavyones posts that is...

[Champane Flight]

Number 10
>>> Life is sexually transmitted.
>>>
>>> Number 9
>>> Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
>>> die.
>>>
>>> Number 8
>>> Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
>>> an erection, make him a sandwich.
>>>
>>> Number 7
>>> Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person
>>> to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>>>
>>> Number 6
>>> Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything, but
>>> you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
>>>
>>> Number 5
>>> Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
>>> dying of nothing.
>>>
>>> Number 4
>>> All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
>>> attention to Criticism.
>>>
>>> Number 3
>>> Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial
>>> tax cut saves you $30.00?
>>>
>>> Number 2
>>> In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
>>> world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>>>
>>> And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
>>>
>>> We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located
>>> among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't
>>> got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and
>>> terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Dept. of Agriculture in
>>> charge of Immigration.
>>> __________________________________________________ _____
>>>

[DWordinger]

An elderly couple went to dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it highly."

The other man said, "What was the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned to the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Champane Flight]

Good one DW....

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in
for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied,
"130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy,

investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought,
This is
really cool." Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100" So the robot started talking
about
football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is
really
cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the Robot Asked
Him
"What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The Robot then said, "So, are you
Republicans really going to nominate John McCain?"

[kenny61]

A grandfather and his grandson go up in a plane with Hillary Clinton, Bill Gates, and George W. Bush.
The grandfather is the pilot.
They are going to crash and there are only 4 parachutes not 5.
Bill Gates steps up and says “I’m the richest man in the world, so I need a parachute.”
Everyone agrees so Bill Gates jumps off the plane with one of the parachutes.
President Bush comes up and says, “I’m the President of the United States, so I need a parachute.”
Everyone agrees so President Bush follows Bill Gates.
Hillary Clinton comes up and says, “I’m the smartest woman in the whole world. I need a parachute!”, and before the grandson can object, she jumps of the plane with a parachute.
There is only one parachute left.
The pilot tells his grandson to go since he’s young and hasn’t lived his life.
The grandson hands his grandfather another parachute.
The grandfather, surprised, asked where his grandson got another parachute.
The grandson replies, “You know the smartest woman in the world?

She took my backpack.”

[Yooper67]

Two nuns had run out of has on a country road.
They didn't have a gas can in the trunk but did find an old bedpan.
"Praise the Lord...it's better than nuthin'"
They walked to up the road to a gas station, filled up the bedpan, and walked carefully back to their car.
Carefully using a funnel and tilting the bedpan, they were doing a good job putting enough gas into the tank to get them to town.
As the nuns were about halfway through, two Baptist ministers drove up and noticed what they were doing.
One minister said to another, "Joe, next time we run out of gas let's hope Father Joe or another Catholic priest is with us!!"

[Yooper67]

My neighbor discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took
it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears
so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from recurring, she should go to the drugstore and buy "Nair Hair
Remover" and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the store and gets the "Nair Hair Remover".

At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to
use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs
don't
shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you
must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week.”

[kenny61]

Knock Knock

[Yooper67]

who's there